Losing....

 It was still a very hot afternoon… 18 hrs had passed and I was still hanging around 175 trying to catch some sleep.  A call from our asst head nurse , “OHCA, 15 mins”. In the past, we had used DOA(death on arrival) but now the term had replaced with “Out of hospital cardiac arrest”. Confusion had arisen in the past when we used DOA. We had had a case in the past – a family had question about the medical bills when they saw the diagnosis of DOA. The itinerary included CT, sonography and lots of medication. The family had asked us ,"since the patient was death and why so many procedures and medications were provided. ?"

It had been lots of dispute here and there and the department of health had decided to have a shift.

Even though I had tried  the path of ACLS instructor, I am not a faithful follower of the guideline. I always intubate first – an average of 10 sec. ( no kidding, I actually timed my performance…, but so what, those are chosen are still chosen….). I hate those standard procedure – bagged, medication , trial…Especially when a code 999 was called. Other doctors(anaes, boss…) would come and “demonstrate” their standard procedure. Normally I don’t called the code and if could I would ‘tube’ in before they come down,

The patient was a case of liver cirrhosis. I had admitted once for cellulites. She had been drowsy and sleepy since morning. In the afternoon, her husband was unable to wake her up and the rescue ambulance was summoned. No sign of life was noted at scene. On arrival, the body temperature was 40C...a case of sepsis(severe one definitely). The EKG wave was flat after 30 mins of effort, I decided to give as call. I talked to her hubby and he looked at me with a confuse look. I knew the question he wanted to ask me, “ is that it ?”. I led her to his wife and told him that nothing more could be done. I dare not look into his eyes again when he started stared at her(not cold one, she was still 39.7C when I gave it a call.). I tapped on his shoulder and told him that my nurses would help him with the rest. This was my standard practice, a way to escape from such a scene…Life was very very cruel and I had to face the families who had lost their love one and I am not good at it, the worst part – I don’t know where to learnt…..

From the movie “Fireproof” I learnt something – you can’t give what you don’t have. I have never lost someone close, the closet were pets ( Mimi(wifey cat), Lasy(a mixed breed K9, we used to have during my schooling day…)). The sensation was weird....

When I shared it with Ving, that was her answer :” a pets where something you used it as spiritual bailment but someone close maybe a person that you relay or entrust.., and it is totally different thing…” She had always given me some alternate thoughts, and I agreed with her most of the time… she is an emotional and perceptual person…facing life and death in my daily works (lucky I don’t work everyday…), I tried to hide it but I still seek a balance between job and my daily life – trying not to be so cold hearted….